Out with the old; In with the new--Me, that is.

For months and months many of you have heard me talk about quitting work to stay at home.  Okay, maybe years, even.  Well, it's official.  Today was my last official day at the office until my children are grown.  Such a weird feeling, and a mixture of emotions--excitement about staying home with my little Cooper, about having more time for Nathan, Cooper, myself, church, friends.  But also sad about leaving something that has been such a huge part of me for so long, that I put so much effort into every day for YEARS, and to which I always gave it my all.  I'd be lying if I said I didn't cry a little today as I made that final descent in the elevator, down the hall, out the doors, and drove away.  Funny though, I felt a little guilty that I was sad about leaving.  Like I should only be happy about staying home and being a full-time home maker.

My career is something I started working on clear back in high school.  I remember trying to figure out what I wanted to study in college, what I wanted to be when I grew up.  Can't believe I ever thought I'd be a good nurse.  Ha!  Nope, the office is the place for me.  Thank goodness it only took one semester for me to figure that out. I practically grew up in an office, and couldn't have had a better mentor (thanks, Dad!).  I was spoiled to see the inner-workings of a company first-hand at such a young age.  And then when I became involved in accounting, something just clicked.  I always say, the schooling for accounting was awful, and I never would have picked that major based on what I did in school.  Thank goodness I'd had experience with a little of it before then, and knew where it could lead me.

It's been an interesting week, though, since my leaving wasn't entirely on my own terms.  A few weeks ago I was looking over some reports at work, and had that gut feeling that things weren't going so well for some parts of the company.  It wasn't founded on anything but that, but three weeks ago today I had a conversation with Nathan at lunch that I felt I needed to tell my boss about my intent to quit work in the next few months.  I still hadn't decided exactly when I wanted to quit, but felt it was time to make my intentions known.  My reasoning was that if layoffs were coming for my department, I wanted to be sure my boss knew I was planning on leaving in the next few months, because that may sway her decision on who to let go, should such a need arise. That was it.  I just didn't want someone to lose their job that really needed it, and also didn't want my boss to be laying someone off, only to have to replace me a few months later without having the personnel available to do so.

So I called her.  I told her my plans, but that quitting work to stay at home was something I'd been thinking about for nearly 18 months, and didn't have a set time frame.  She didn't want me to leave, and extended me the ability to work from home three days a week.  That was AWESOME.  I could have kept doing that for awhile, since it eliminated 2-3 hrs a day of commute time; time that I could then spend with my family or doing other things.  Those two weeks were so much better.

But then last Friday, my boss sent me an IM--"Can I call you?"  Oh no, I thought.  This can't be good.  She never calls me.  We just IM or email.  Calls are for "big" stuff.  Sure enough, first thing she says is, "I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm gonna have to take you up on your offer.  Today can be your last day, or you can work another week so that Friday, 3/30 is your last day."  WHAT?!  Holy cow...what?!  ...  I was so stunned, I don't think I got much work done that day.  It wasn't that I didn't mean what I'd said, it was just that I didn't expect it to happen so SOON.

So all this week I've been preparing myself mentally for leaving my career behind me, and moving on.  Funny, I heard something on the radio, some poem a famous author wrote about leaving her career to stay home, and one line said something about "shelving ambition."  I thought to myself--"Not true!"  Leaving my office career is in no way shelving my ambition.

Having started working in an office for my Dad when I was 12 instilled in me an ambition for work, and a work ethic that (not boasting here) I think a lot of my generation and younger have lost.  Actually, there are some really great people at the company I worked for, all young like me, and all just as dedicated and hard-working.  So that's not entirely true.  Anyway, the point is, that I've always had a strong drive to succeed at work, to always make things better, not just accept things the way they are just because someone says so, or because that's the way it's always been done, or whatever.  I've been known as the squeaky wheel, but one that gets things done.  That is just me.  Just because I'm going to stay at home with a 2-year old doesn't mean that side of me is going to disappear. I'm not "shelving my ambition;" I'm choosing to channel it elsewhere.

I loved what my mom said today to cheer me up on that final commute home.  She said, "Just think, now you get to focus on making the lives of your family and other people better, not just numbers on a spreadsheet."  That did cheer me up a little.

Work has always been a part of my adult life.  The only time I haven't worked was the 8 weeks after I gave birth to Cooper.  Any time I changed jobs/moved, I was never out of work for more than a month or so.  I worked all through the years I was in college, and then started out small with my first "real" job after finishing my Associate's degree.  It was for Partners HealthCare in Boston.  Gosh, I loved that job.  Great people, great company, great location, lots of opportunity, and I learned so much.  It's been a long road since then, experiencing things everyone does who works in corporate America.  Went through working for bad managers, having difficult co-workers, lots of crazy/hard situations with co-workers and employees, going through having to lay off my employees, having to fire people, acquiring other companies, having the company I worked for be bought out, watching friends be laid off, dealing with corporate BS.  But there were all the good things too: great managers and mentors, co-workers that made each day a little brighter, being a part of something bigger than myself, and learning so many things about accounting, business, people, and myself.

So many people from work called me this week to say goodbye.  It was so nice to hear such nice things from these people I've worked with for nearly five years.  Some of them are like family to me.  I've spent more time talking to some of them every day than I have to anyone in my family.  It's hard to leave people like that behind; people that I had such close working relationships with, but that would never translate into a friendship out of the office or anything.  There are a few here in Charlotte that I'll remain friends with though. So glad for that.

I like to believe I did make a difference at work.  I tried really hard to do my job 100%, 100% of the time.  I loved what I did.  Probably would be a really boring job to most people, looking at spreadsheets of numbers and data every day.  But I loved finding out why things weren't right, figuring out how to fix them, and then seeing things fixed.  And it wasn't just numbers--these were profits on projects, which translated into people's livelihoods.  The projects were a wide range of design/planning/engineering projects, many of which were high-profile, and made a difference in the world.  We can't survive without infrastructure.  My job was interesting, and fulfilling, and I liked contributing in my small way.

My boss's boss called me yesterday to bid me farewell.  She said she'd received so many emails asking why in the world the company would be letting me go.  When my name came up on the list, the CFO, the Director of Operations, all the way down to my Project Managers were emailing my managers asking if they'd lost their minds.  That was such a nice compliment.  Such a good way to end the week.  She said if I ever need a job in the future, that I could call her and they'd find a place for me, but that she understood my reasons for wanting to leave.  It made me smile to hear her say that.

After all that, today as I wrapped up those final loose ends, checked my emails for the last time, turned in my laptop and badge, and walked out the door, I couldn't help but get a lump in my throat, and a few tears in my eyes.  I'm gonna miss that place, those people, and this thing that I've given so much time and energy to for so much of my life.  But it's time to put this career on hold for now.  To be excited about being a mom.  And boy, am I!!!

May sound silly, but I'm excited about going to a friend's house this Tuesday to catch frogs, feed the ducks, get muddy, and have so much fun with Cooper that we'll come home utterly exhausted.  I am looking forward to being able to clean my house the way I've always wanted to and not having to spend my entire Saturday doing it, to not doing laundry at 11 pm because I have no other time.  I get to finally learn how to play guitar, catch up on all those sewing/craft projects that are collecting dust in the closet, exercise regularly, make dinners that I've only dreamed of, get more involved at church and in serving others who need help, and the list goes on and on.  The biggest thing though, is not being stressed ALL.THE.TIME.  Well, that and the fact that I get to be the one teaching my child the things he needs to know.  I am interested to see what things I'll learn about my son that I don't realize I don't know about him now.

Oh, and next time Cooper gets sick, and I've been up with him all night, I don't have to worry about how in the world I'm going to work the next day, or about having to take time off, or about trying to work from home and juggle a sick toddler.  If I want to go visit my family, I don't have to worry about whether I'll have enough vacation time.  Sure, there won't be as much discretionary income in our family, but oh, it's so worth it.

No more sad feelings.  This is going to be the third-best decision I've ever made (first was marrying Nathan, second was having Cooper).  So get ready because all that ambition that work has been hogging all these years is about to be unleashed.  But seriously, this is going to be SO GREAT.  Woohoo!  Here's to my new career!

[If you made it to the end of this post, wow. :)]